A Chapter Note
I
think you can do a bit more fleshing out of the setting, just weaving in bits
here and there as they move through the countryside—some of the current
descriptions use repetitive phrasing (I’ve highlighted it). Perhaps describe how the countryside
has changed since the forest they started in, to give more of a sense of how
much time has passed/distance has been covered? Also, each character (esp. M. and J.) needs a
little intro./reminder tag the reader knows who they are. And I’m curious about the people
inhabiting the castle-- maybe
flesh them out a tiny bit…help the reader see what this place is like, who the
population is, so we can contrast that ourselves to what life in court must be
like…
I
love the verbal sparring between M. and I.— it creates tension.
An Editorial Letter
May 9, 2012
Dear ______,
I really enjoyed speaking to you
about your vision for the novel and your process in writing it. As we discussed, I think some of the
strengths of the novel are:
The plot/mystery—particularly the
combination of religion and the ritualistic murders. Of course, Mormon history and ritual is incredibly
fascinating too because it’s so secretive.
The tension between Z. and
M., and their different approaches to solving crimes. On my second read-through I really
noticed that moment when their relationship “turns” (after the raid/at the
hospital) and M. comes to respect Z’s approach.
Z’s motivations for wanting to
investigate crimes and criminal behavior.
Your “voice” in the descriptive
interludes about the South—it really shines here.
For this round of edits, my
comments and changes focused mainly on the following issues:
- Point of View (POV): As I read it became clear to me that Z. is really our protagonist and the character we follow and connect with, followed by M. I looked for ways to stay firmly rooted in Z’s POV throughout the scenes he’s in, staying “with” him and describing a scene as he would see it, rather than moving to another character’s viewpoint. Also, in places where it seemed to make sense, I edited the descriptive interludes to sound more like they are Z’s thoughts and musings. I think doing this will allow you to really explore his approach to solving murders and to highlight the theory that institutions create criminals. I think the more we see and experience Z’s researching and investigating, the more we’ll come to understand his unique approach. Likewise, I did similar work with some of the scenes that are told from M’s POV.
We also talked about the killer’s (R's) POV that
opens the novel. I have left this
as it is, but, as discussed, the later farmhouse scene (in which we see the
actual killers) seems at odds with this opening scene—in the opening scene
R. seems very cold, calculating, precise, and intellectual; in the
farmhouse scene, the killers are chaotic and messy. I suggested some ways you might revise the farmhouse scene
to give R. a role here, however, I didn’t do a lot of work on this section
because you indicated you’ve already written additional scenes that address
this issue.
- Character Development: We discussed at length the chapter in which we learn of Z’s childhood and the murder of his mother. I went through that chapter and highlighted sections that I thought you might be able to weave into other scenes that already exist in the novel, using what is happening in the investigation to “trigger” a memory or thought about his past. I marked these highlighted passages with suggestions for where they might go… of course, there are many other possibilities. I also think that by staying in Z’s and M’s POVs consistently, these characters will become stronger.
- Minor Characters: We discussed finding ways to integrate Candi more fully—to have her “invade” Z’s thoughts throughout the novel so that she doesn’t seem to just drop out of the novel. I pointed out a few places where Z might just “flick” at a thought of her (when he tracks down the prostitute who gave R. the sperm sample, for example).
- Pacing: I made a lot of cuts in areas that seemed to distract from the main thrust of the story (Z’s investigation/solving the murder). I cut a lot of the Sam scenes for this reason. Likewise, there are some places where I think you spill the beans too soon (when R. meets his father’s lawyer, for example). These are places where I think it would ramp up the tension if we get at this information another way—if we see Z. putting the pieces together or asking the difficult questions and gaining insight into R’s personality. I tried to give you some examples and suggestions of ways you might accomplish this in my notes and edits in the manuscript.
- Summary vs. Scene: throughout the manuscript I made notes of places where you give us a lot of information in summary. In many of these places, I suggest putting the moments that are summarized “in scene”—portraying them, putting them in dialog, rather than telling the reader about them so that we can experience the moment more fully with the characters. Other times (particularly passages that are focused on moving the characters from one place to another) I suggested cutting the summary and just “dropping” the characters in a new place. And then there are places (such as at the Mormon temple or in the farmhouse raid) where you can draw out and add details, allowing us to stay in the moment and experience it more fully. I think these kinds of changes will also help with pacing and tension.
- Some areas to think about, perhaps for the next round of revisions: Weaving more of M’s alcoholism through the story (right now it kind of drops out). Finding ways to develop/complicate Z’s feelings about his dad (right now he’s just angry [rightfully so!], but does he have any good memories? Any longings for a different relationship with him?). Developing minor characters (Candi, Joseph, Michael, and Patricia) more fully—just brushstrokes here and there so they feel more fully integrated into the novel and the scenes they’re in feel less like vignettes. We also talked about perhaps finding a way to highlight the Gordian knot as a symbol—right now it’s a little bit buried in the Welfare Square scene and so it doesn’t quite have the necessary impact when it shows up at the farmhouse.
This
is a lot to think about, and certainly you need not take every edit or comment,
or tackle all of this at once. In fact, it may make sense to hold off on some
of the more minor things until the next round of revisions. As you look over my edits and comments,
my hope is that they will inspire you to find your own solutions to some of the
issues I point out. While I have
attempted to give you suggestions or ways to approach these areas, these are by
no means the only solutions. If you
have questions about anything here, please feel free to email or call me.
I’m
really looking forward to reading the revision! If you can, let me know when you’re getting close to sending
the next draft and I will try to clear my schedule so I can focus on it.
All
the Best,
Erin
A Manuscript Critique (a bit longer than usual)
4/7/10
Dear ______,
This excerpt of Untitled Novel, like previous ones,
continues Anne’s story in third person past tense, from her POV. It picks up where your previous
submission left off, fulfilling the promise of developing Anne’s relationship to
both Barry and Stephen (mostly Barry) and providing interaction with the artist
(formerly known as, I would argue) Richard. This section is again told chronologically, with a few
moments of reflection (5, 7, 39).
This section spans more time than previous submissions, using summary
(9, 39) to detail about a week each time it is employed until the end where you
cover “months” (49-51).
I moved through these fifty pages very quickly, more quickly
than any of the other excerpts.
The pacing seems to have sped up here, and I think this is because you
have shifted the balance of description/exposition and scene. It feels like much more of this excerpt
occurs in scene. I found this
really effective, but you know my proclivities… But. But! I found myself really reading the
descriptive passages in this section rather than the skimming I have been
guilty of in the past. Here the
description feels more integrated with the action of the story. For example, the long description of
the restaurant (1), is effective because I’m firmly “in” Anne’s POV here, and I
understand where she is located, why this moment is important to her, why these
details matter. Or, on the drive
home, the setting, the “limestone hills fading on all sides into fog and mist
and black” totally works to intensify what comes next, that “Anne nodded off
and awoke seconds later” (5). I’m
left to wonder if the hills are fading into fog and mist and black for reals or
because Anne is falling asleep.
That’s good stuff! I feel
similarly about the description of the garage (6). Here the list of items has more resonance for me because
these are the things Anne is deciding whether or not to keep and they are thus
invested with more meaning. I
think these passages (and others like them on 9-10, 11, 23-24, 29, 33, 36, 39)
achieve this same balance between providing detail and texture and building
meaning.
You do some solid work to build Anne’s character here. There were a couple moments of
reflection that were both authentic and absolutely necessary. When Anne comes home after dinner with
Barry she thinks about her relationship with Richard (5) and how maybe it had
never meant anything. This is
important because it sets up her ability to begin moving on. Still, you complicate Anne letting go of
Richard by also having her still feel his absence: “What she felt, actually, was the absence she had dismissed
the night before, the emptiness now permeating the room in waves” (7). You do similar work when Anne begins
sleeping with Barry, when she explicitly compares Barry to Richard (39). I
still think you could have more moments like this, where Anne sees “things in
microscopic detail” and the details give us an idea of her mental state. I want more of this because it’s a huge
thing, to suddenly enter into a new relationship, to be living with a new man
after so long with Richard. I also
wondered about those few moments where Anne is totally honest about her desires
(32, 36)—she is so brazen here and also when she thinks about admitting her
desires for Stephen to Grace (22).
I was surprised and a little jarred by this because Anne has seemed so
passive up to this point. Maybe
this is showing a shift in her character, or maybe she’s just drunk, but I felt
there needed to be glimpses of this kind of behavior earlier. I also thought she moves in with Barry
too quickly and too easily. I know
you mentioned that Anne is used to being abandoned but I was surprised that she
would just up and move in with Barry so soon without any reflection about what
she’s doing. Is her impulse to
feel needed really so strong? Is she really so unconcerned with being hurt or
abandoned again? And if not, how
can she ever emotionally connect with anyone?
This section goes much further in terms of exploring
thematic content, particularly in terms of identity and authenticity. This really stood out to me on p. 20,
when I realized (for the first time) that Stephen doesn’t write the sermons he
delivers. His whole identity as a
pastor is a sham, a front!
This is also echoed at the opening when (the other) Richard also reveals
himself as a potential fraud, saying “Honestly? I can’t paint” (30), following up that statement with “I’m
just here for authenticity…” (31).
Even if he’s only kidding, there is also a general truth to what he’s
saying. Every character in this
story is trying to lend credibility to their existence without really having a
clear sense of their identity. You
pull the thread of identity through this whole section—Anne claims that
“everything is a mystery with you” (44) when talking to Barry and she fears
that “He’d erase all trace of identity, he’d disappear into those two
conclusive syllables and be forever only:
Barry” (50), but it is really Anne who is a mystery, Anne who might
disappear, subsuming herself into whomever needs her most. Barry is the one who says “I really
need you here, Anne” (26), and whether he means to help run the opening or to
be his consort doesn’t really matter because at that moment Anne says she,
“felt rich, she felt real” (26), and then she decides to align herself with
him, instead of Stephen, instead of (the old) Richard. You also carry on the (dare I call it)
obsession with clothes: Barry buys
Anne clothes (9), Anne cuts her hair [OK, that’s not really clothes but it’s still
appearance] (28) , Grace changes clothes (19) and Anne recalls wearing Grace’s
clothes (22), Barry wears Richard’s clothes (49), Emily alters her dress
(33)… There’s something going on
here about how the clothes (don’t) make the (wo)man.
Another thing I noticed was the preponderance of watching,
looking, seeing, staring. Granted,
part of the time we’re at an art opening where the whole point is looking,
seeing, and being seen, but Anne is also watching people, reading people. All this watching has something to do
with identity, I think, with trying to determine what is real or not real, with
Anne coming to terms with all the ways in which she and Richard didn’t really
see each other, didn’t know each other.
I keep thinking about that passage where she is looking at Barry in the
most minute details and she finds Richard catatonic by comparison. That’s telling, and I assume there will
be more in what follows of Anne really beginning to see what her life means, to
see who she is, to see what she has become… which brings us back to identity
and back to the way Richard only ever really “saw” her through his camera
lens. Damn. Nicely done.
Something that I also saw developing, or rather, coming more
to the foreground here is the idea Stephen brings up of intimacy
(familiarity/habit) vs. romance (15) vs. need (26). This is so true-- marriage is a lot about intimacy and less
about romance. It’s intimate, for
example, to know someone’s digestive quirks, but not romantic. It’s a way of knowing, of seeing, that
(perhaps) creates a need: with
whom else could you share this kind of information and not be mortified? I think this is one of the things that
you were working with earlier in the novel, this idea that Anne and Richard’s
relationship is a habit, but it is neither intimate, familiar, or
romantic. What Anne seems to crave
in the relationships she seeks out is a greater degree of
intimacy/familiarity/romance/need.
Richard doesn’t need Anne, clearly, since he can just walk away. Shep doesn’t need Anne, since he can
just sail away. Will Barry drive
away in that car of his? Will
Stephen fly away to conjugal or spiritual bliss? Those are questions that remain to be answered. Or will Anne rise above it all?
Well, that’s probably enough of my blathering on. I hope some of this is helpful as you
move forward. Press on!
All the Best,
Erin
P.S. Other
random Questions that remain to be answered:
1. How does Barry know about Richard having left?
2. Why doesn’t Anne ask Barry question 1 above?
3. Where is Anne’s mom in this excerpt?
4. Why (why why why!) are there two Richards in this
novel?
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